Free Fast Food for All Party (4 FAP)
By: Mr. Marvin K. Dickman, Chief Representative
Do you like cheeseburgers, curly fries, double-dipped beef sandwiches, Twizzlers® and popcorn? Do you like twinkies, potato chips, corndogs, fried dough and cotton candy? So do I! And I think this country does not do enough to protect our interests. We need a government that attends to serious matters, and that means protecting fast food. Millions of Americans love fast food and government must answer our demands. We are united in our love for triple-decker beef burgers, mayo-laden club heroes and frosted pop tarts. We want a government that opens more fast food establishments, not less. We want a government that opposes “special interest groups” that fraudulently attempt to link fast food to heart diseases, obesity and diabetes. We need truth about fast food, not lies. If elected, we promise to make fast food a constitutional right, not merely a fleeting commercial privilege to be regulated by fickle majorities. Let us elevate fast food to the place it truly holds in American life. Next to sacred rights such as life, liberty and property, let us add Mountain Dew®, caramel twists, personal pan pizzas, Quick Tacos® and battered breadsticks. Every American deserves fast food—everyday and at no charge. Vote for us and that’s exactly what you’ll get.
The Get-Your-Goddamn-Hands-Off-My-Money Party
By: Rutherford G. Silverton, Managing Director
Taxes, taxes, taxes…when will it all end? When will government—both State and Federal—recognize that the American people cannot afford to pay a single more dollar for wasteful programs and superfluous services? Our Forefathers came to the New World to hack some piece from the wilderness that they could call their own. Through their own labor, toil and sweat, they earned fortunes free from the grasping hand of government. It was their property; and they vigorously defended it from anyone who dared interfere with it. Today, government routinely interferes with our property. We can scarcely scratch out a livable wage without government plundering our paychecks. We can scarcely hold on to what little property we have without government crushing us with fees, taxes, excises and levies. And for what? For costly handouts and gaudy federal buildings; for bloated postal servicemen’s wages, ignorant judges and malfunctioning public schools. We are sick and fucking tired of this. It is time to recognize that taxation is the only problem our Nation faces; everything else is just details. So two gays want to get married? Fine—just get your stinking hands off my money. A woman wants an abortion? What the hell do I care—just let me keep my goddamn paycheck. Kids are praying in school? Who gives a shit—just let me sell my house without you Federal assholes sucking my savings account dry. Personally, I am very angry about this, and so is everyone in our party. You should be, too. This year, vote to stop the government from taking away what it is rightfully yours. There is no way we can advance as a Nation of freedom if our own government pilfers the very property we gave our lives to acquire. Stop the thievery—NOW.
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