Saturday, September 13, 2008


Nuptial Defenders Allied to Stop the Fruitcakes

By : H. Theodore Rockford, Party Best Man

In recent years, several States have granted homosexuals the right to enter into marriage contracts with one another. In our measured opinion, this folly has fatally undermined every moral principle for which this Nation ever stood. In 2004, exit polls revealed that voters considered gay marriage to be the decisive issue determining the presidential election. And with good reason: If two fruitcakes can enter into a marriage relationship, what future horrors await us? Victory in Iraq is a small matter compared to protecting our civilization’s most hallowed institution from homosexual infiltration. President Bush vowed to defend civilization when he swore to stop the war on marriage. Although his quest for a constitutional amendment forbidding fruitcake “weddings” did not carry the day in 2005, we, the Nuptial Defenders Allied to Stop the Fruitcakes, pledge ourselves to continue the fight for families. Marriage means commitment and values; homosexuals can neither make commitments nor possess values. In fact, allowing gay marriage mocks the sacred vows between a single man and a single woman. Men and women take their promises seriously and remain with each other through all life’s vicissitudes; lesbians and sodomites, by contrast, rarely remain with each for more than one carnal night. Marriage exists to provide a stable environment in which to beget and bear children; lesbians and sodomites have neither the biological nor emotional capacity to care for anyone but themselves. To entrust fruitcakes with the care of children—our society’s most innocent and needy members—would be a disaster of the highest order. Vote to stop States from sullying the institution of marriage. Vote to protect our children. Vote to defend the sanctity of the words “I do” from homosexual perversion. Because when men marry men, men can no longer marry women. Take a stand against frivolity. Take a stand for commitment and family. Vote Nuptial Defenders in 2008.

Good but Anger-Prone Citizens’ League for Milder Manslaughter Penalties

By: Sidney B. Rathburn, Senior Clerk, Former Inmate and Party Spokesman

In States throughout the Nation, good people are going to prison. Why? How could so much injustice befall so many? The answer is simple: States punish manslaughter far too heavily. Unlike cold-blooded murder, manslaughter is less a crime and more an accident of circumstance. In our stressful, competitive world, we all get angry once in a while. Ask yourself: How many times have we lost our tempers in life? How many times have drivers cut us off when we are late for work? How many times have we argued with our wives? How many times have we been insulted in bars, or mocked in front of our romantic acquaintances? How many times have we become enraged during sports events when opposing fans gloat in their victory over our team? Can we truly call it a crime when a good person, finding himself in such circumstances, hurls a beer bottle at his antagonist, causing his death? Certainly not. Yet States across the Nation punish such killings with draconian penalties, including lifetime prison sentences. In our view, these laws unjustly penalize good people who simply had a bad day. Should a good, hard-working person spend the rest of his life in prison simply because he smashed a friend’s skull in a barroom spat over a pool game? Certainly this is not the same as following the friend home, waiting in an alley and slitting his throat from behind. Yet the law barely distinguishes between the punishments for the two acts. This year, vote for sensible reforms to our criminal laws, so that good people—like me—do not spend our best years in prison simply because we killed an asshole who wasn’t driving fast enough for our liking. I never failed to pay my taxes. I was a member of the Rotary Club and even contributed to Unicef. I go to church and care for my children. But society sent me to prison for 30 years because I lost my temper on my way to work and hit a man in the head with a tire iron I kept in my car. Until then, I never had a criminal record. I am a good person. I just get angry sometimes. It is time to bring fairness into the law. Vote for the Good but Anger-Prone Citizens’ League for Milder Manslaughter Penalties in 2008. Reverse the injustice today. Anger is not a crime, and we are only human.


sabaka said...

sometimes i dont know whether you are being serious or not. You make such strong convictions, but then i remind myself that this is a satire! I also like the flamboyant names you give the authors

Balthazar Oesterhoudt said...

I am glad you picked up on the names. They are intended to mean something in themselves. And do I actually mean the things I write? Certainly not! Unless it is one of my serious essays, of course.

In my satires, the speaker will always have strong convictions, and there is a reason for that. Nietzsche wrote: "Convictions are more dangerous enemies to truth than lies." My satires seize upon the substance behind that quote. Convictions can be blinding and mark out the speaker as a chauvenistic caricature incapable of seeing other perspectives. They lend themselves to exaggeration, making them fair game for satire. In the political arena, it is hard to avoid encountering strong convictions. That's why it is so easy for me to mock political rhetoric.