POLITICAL PARTIES FOR A CHANGING WORLD

Americans for the Destruction of Iraq

By: Brig. Gen. Rick “Cruise Missile” McGurk, USMC (ret.), Commanding Officer

By now, it should be clear to any American who calls himself an American that the “War in Iraq” is not going well. Why? Because we are not destroying Iraq. Insurgents are killing our boys (and a few gals) because we are leaving Iraq intact and giving Iraqis a chance to kill Americans. We need to stop this and stop it now. Until now, American foreign policy in Iraq—like American foreign policy in Vietnam forty years ago—failed because we are not taking off the kid gloves. It is not enough to occupy Iraq; we need to destroy it once and for all. By casting your vote for our party, you will ensure ultimate victory in Iraq. What will we do? First and foremost, we will implement the party motto: “The Only Good Iraqi is a Dead Iraqi.” To achieve that goal, we will draw on proven American military know-how to really solve the Iraq problem by killing many, many Iraqis. No more provisional governments. No more “joint operations” with Iraqis. No more “education” and “training.” We pledge to use American air power the way it was meant to be used: To carpet bomb, firebomb, clusterbomb and—yes—drop nuclear weapons. The time for limited measures is long past. Let’s clean up the Iraqi mess here and now. Vote for us in ’08 and send a message to those terrorist bastards they’ll never forget.

Political Association for Increased Mercantilism in Iraq

By : Gustave Frederique Colbert, Senior Economic Advisor and Policy Director

American armed forces seized political control in Iraq more than five years ago. Yet five years later, America has won precious little from its agonizing commitment in Iraq. Thousands have died for nothing. It is a national tragedy. In times past, Nations gained tangible benefits from their military successes. They took land, resources, treasure, and commodities from conquered territories. Today, America ignores history by refusing to take from victory what it rightfully hers. We, the Political Association for Increased Mercantilism in Iraq, believe that America should treat Iraq like a colony, not a democratic experiment. According to Webster’s Dictionary, mercantilism is a “system of political economy…based on accumulating bullion, establishing colonies…[and] developing industry and mining to establish a favorable balance of trade.” America has an unprecedented opportunity to strengthen its economy by seizing Iraq’s plentiful natural resources and treasure. America has an unprecedented opportunity to solve its domestic economic worries by infusing its treasury with riches taken from its defeated foe. We believe that America committed a grave error by “turning Iraq over to Iraqis” for “self-rule.” Five years of continuous civil war have proven that Iraqis cannot govern themselves. Rather, they need America’s abiding hand to quell the violence and restore prosperity to the region. America has a chance to make its tortured involvement in Iraq worth the struggle. America has a chance to colonize Iraq and to lay free claim to its vast oil and mineral reserves. We must merely adjust our thinking. No more must we prize “democracy” over “drilling.” Iraq is our land now. We paid for it with our own blood and toil. We must only look to history for guidance: When a Nation colonizes a foreign land, it has a right to all the booty the land will yield. Exploiting Iraq’s resources—at no cost—will reduce gas prices, encourage overseas investment, benefit industry and deflate the national debt. These are tangible economic benefits, not far-flung political hopes. When Spain seized Mexico in the 16th Century, it did not concern itself with “native self-government;” it simply took all the gold and brought it home. So too must we approach Iraq. It is time to invest in our new colony for ourselves, not the colonized peoples. It is time to increase mercantilism in Iraq. Let us finally gain something from our Nation’s brave military engagement. Let us justify our sacrifices in blood with benefits in gold. It is time to think of ourselves, not the Iraqis. Vote for Mercantilism in 2008. And vindicate the toils of our fighting men and women.