Thursday, September 18, 2008


Erotically Unskilled Lawyers for Greater Romantic Stimulation Under Law

By : Lowell B. Limpletter. Esq., Managing Partner and Erotic Skills Coordinator, Limpletter & Coldbottom, Ltd., Counselors at Law, Washington, D.C.

Lawyers occupy a respected station in our Nation’s social hierarchy. Our country’s best and brightest strive to join our ranks both to pursue justice and to earn a respectable living. Many United States Presidents began their careers as lawyers: Jefferson, Jackson, Adams, Lincoln, Cleveland, Taft, Clinton—the list goes on. We take pride in our ability to craft language persuasively. We take pride in our commitment to client service and fair dispute resolution. We take pride in our discipline and determination. We work long hours; and we win. But our profession faces a serious problem: For all our advantages in logic, hard work and persuasion, we are erotically unskilled. How often have we satisfied our clients, only to fail to satisfy our most intimate acquaintances? How often have we secured pleasure for our corporate employers through well-drafted contracts and briefs, only to deliver no pleasure whatsoever to our spouses? How often have we put in 80-hour marathon weeks at the firm—delighting our supervisors—only to deliver machinelike 90-second erotic performances three times a year, delighting no one? Lawyers play a vital role in our Nation’s political and economic landscape. It is time for us to redress our erotic shortcomings. An erotically skilled lawyer will render better service than an erotically unskilled one. Lawyers need romantic stimulation—and they need it now. We, the Erotically Unskilled Lawyers for Greater Romantic Stimulation Under Law, believe that lawyers can learn how to provide diligent erotic service as effectively as they can provide diligent client service. But—as our party name says—we must always strive to learn erotic skills under law. We pledge ourselves to master erotic and romantic technique; provided in all events such erotic and romantic technique complies in substantial part with all State and local ordinances, laws, judicial opinions or regulations, notwithstanding any constitutional infirmity thereof. We pledge ourselves to deliver greater erotic satisfaction to our intimate acquaintances, unless such satisfaction would involve: (1) a breach of the peace; (2) a violation of any common law principle; (3) in-person commercial solicitation, in whole or in part; or (4) conduct unbecoming an officer of the Court. We believe that erotically skilled lawyers will add true value to the American economy and contribute to greater justice. This year, cast your vote to improve lawyers’ romantic capabilities subject to all reasonable rules, statutes and judicial orders. Vote for everyone’s satisfaction, not just the client’s. Make everybody happy: Vote for Erotically Unskilled Lawyers in 2008.

Would-Be Playas’ Coalition for Effective Pick-Up Lines and Getting Some

By : A. Francis “Coo Like DatMcClurg, Presiding Chick Magnet and Actuarial Software Engineer

For too many American men, success in the workplace does not translate into success with ladies on the nightlife scene. Even well-paid brokers, analysts, real estate agents, bank managers and investment advisors cannot get a word in edgewise with good-looking females at swank urban establishments. It always seems that some muscle-bound ogre gets the last laugh on us, wooing the women with banal chatter and tight-fitting attire. We, the Would-Be Playas’ Coalition for Effective Pick-Up Lines and Getting Some, represent all you working guys who want to get in on the club action. It is time to get smooth. It is time to learn the moves. It is time to learn pick-up lines that work. No more will ladies turn their backs on us when we say: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?” Now, we will charm our quarries with irresistible lines such as: “Somebody call the park ranger; you just fell out of the ‘hottie’ tree;” or “Are you related to Jessica Simpson?” or “I think I need a doctor; you’re giving me the hot-and-bothered flu.” We are a force to be reckoned with. You don’t need to work out every day or have model looks. Get smooth, my brother! Don’t offer to buy that lady a 7-Up; offer to buy her a Remy. Don’t wear those bifocals to the club; put on some bling-bling and some purple-tinted sunglasses. Don’t wear that American Bass Fishing Club hat; put on a white doo rag. You can learn how to make the women swoon. Don’t talk about your job; talk about your Benz. It’s an image thang, dude! Let’s face it: You’re halfway there. You have a job. You have money. Now all you need to do is learn the lines and learn the swing. Don’t let females tell you how to feel; take command, my man! If you need to tell a lie, don’t sweat it. If you want to get some, you can’t always follow the same rules that you follow at your job. You must get practical if you want to be a playa. Go with it. Flow with it. Pick yourself up today and stand up for all the guys who deserve more. Don’t give up on the game; be a playa and play! Because when you act like a playa, you is a playa. Vote for Would-Be Playas in 2008. And get in the game.

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